Who Is Me?

50 years of age - soon turning 51. I still haven't worked out exactly who I am and why it should have taken me so many years to not have come to any conclusion on this and other matters. Matters such as.. Do I suffer from depression?  Am I really normal? Is anyone? Do all confident people really feel confident? Why did Elton John not choose to marry me thirty-eight years ago?

My girlhood crush was Elton John and I used to write to him frequently and tell him so. I would share many a girlhood secret with him and literally all I got in return was a signed photo of him wearing a hat with a rabbits foot dangling down. Is that why I am who I am today? Still a twelve year old girl at heart waiting to for something great to happen?  Still lacking confidence and waiting for my moment in the spotlight. The thing is, deep down all I want in life to make me feel OK  is that letter, that handwritten letter from Sir Elton. And now he's got his hands full with David and the boys. 

I went to see him in concert recently and it has set me back thirty-eight years. It has made me feel that life is crap -albeit hopefully temporarily. I have realised that my crush on him never quite got resolved. OK, so I have been easily able to go weeks and even years without paying too much attention to him and his goings on, but when I heard his deep dulcet tones do 'Rocket Man' and 'All the Young Girls Love Alice'  it took my back down my own yellow brick road. Here, once again, I find myself desperately wanting him to notice me and pick me out from the crowd.   Just what do I have to do 'to make you love me'? It's not gonna happen , is it? Instead I need to find something else 
to take my mind off this teenage angst and yearning. 

Well, as it happens... I have very very recently started to take up oil painting and I have a feeling it will be my saviour. Golf was not my saviour but art may well be. There is still time for me to become a great contemporary artist of my time. Let's see...